Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Three Months

As I was writing GV's three month update, I realized that I've gone through a lot of changes too. So here's my update.

Motherhood used to scare the bejeezus out of me. My planned out life didn't include children for another seven or so years. Since I figured that I surely wouldn't be the least bit ready until then. Babies were more intimidating than bank robbers or heights. And I really assumed that changing a diaper was one of the worst things that I person would ever have to participate in.

Did I say that I've gone through lots of changes? It blows my mind of how natural being a mom is. I never thought that instincts could take you completely over with no experience under your belt, whatsoever. On a daily basis I find myself wondering if the hard stuff is right around the corner, since I've heard over and over that babies are so exhausting. I'm not saying that having a baby is easy or anything, but for me, pregnancy was much more difficult than this. I also realize that I'm only three months in; but I had figured that this would be the most difficult time, assuming that I would be transitioning into my new role. Then I found I felt transitioned in just a few days. I just knew what I was supposed to be doing, without reading any books or having anyone tell me what to do.

I had also had this fear that I would have to fall in love with Griffin; that quite possibly we wouldn't connect. Then I was literally overwhelmed by the love that I felt for him. Immediately I found out what it felt like to love someone so much till it hurt. My heart felt like it was on the verge of exploding from the emotions that I experience at GV's birth, and I assumed that I was at the climax then. This was yet another misconception. I know have no idea when my love for him will peak. I have no clue how my love for him can grow on a daily basis when it already seems to consume me, but it does.

Looking back, the beginning wasn't easy. GV's needs took a lot of energy from both Dave and I, but every single thing was for him so it made it natural. Doing things that we normally did, like the dishes or laundry was more challenging since it took away from time with our new son. I learned quickly the sound of my baby's cry and could distinguish it in a crowd. It took a few weeks, but soon GV's cries began to tell us exactly what he needed. I knew his hungry yell from his tired whimper, and realizing that I had this gift made me feel even more capable as a mother. I was also nervous about feeding him in the beginning. I had heard a thousand horror stories before having him about how terrible breastfeeding can be on a mom. I had assumed that I would need to join some support groups to learn what I was doing. I had assumed that without the $40 cream that my doctor prescribed, my nipples would just fall off from the toll that feeding takes. But more than anything, I wanted to do what I felt best for my son. Not much intimidated me more and I prayed every night that I'd be strong enough to give it my all. And thankfully my prayers were answered. It took a little work, but I fortunately have no horror stories to tell. That nurturing feeling is an unbelievable one. It's one I get to feel several times a day. It's a time for GV and I to bond, when only I can provide his nourishment. The way GV thanks me warms my heart to no end. It's the way his little hand grasps my shirt, the way he looks right at me, or the smile on his face telling me he's satisfied. I am far beyond thankful that I made this decision and of how smoothly this has gone.

I could not be more proud of my little baby. Sometimes I worry that I'm driving everyone crazy as much as I want to talk about him, but he literally consumes me—all of me. In just three short months I have loved more than I ever felt possible, been stronger than I ever felt that I could be, and experienced a happiness that I couldn't have ever imagined. GV is my son for a reason and, for that, I can't be thankful enough. So after all, being a mom isn't scary at all and it has even proven itself pretty darn fun. Hey, even the diapers don't phase me.

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